TAKOMA PARK, MD – After Republican lawmakers in Georgia attacked Delta Airlines for speaking out against the state’s abhorrent new voter suppression laws, local officials offered to build an airport to persuade the company to relocate to Takoma Park.
“Takoma Park is known for our love of parking surfaces, so it’s only fitting that we pave over half of the city to provide a world-class tarmac for a fleet of Delta planes,” said Maryland Comptroller Peter Franchot, a Takoma Park resident. “Plus, the direct flight from Baltimore could really bring more beer and wine sales to the TPSS Co-Op.”
Analysts say an airport in Takoma Park could bring a huge number of jobs to a city struggling to expand its commercial tax base. Other benefits include increased tourism, the ability to charge even higher parking fees, and a solution to the city’s crippling lack of a Cinnabon franchise.
“Our small town is perfect for a major airport,” said the Mayor. “Takoma Park has its own metro station and no tall buildings blocking flight paths. Plus, since more than half of our residents seem to work in international development, we have a huge airline customer base right here in the city.”
While some residents were excited to have their own airport, many were concerned about the noise. “I moved to Takoma Park to escape the loud sounds of city living,” said Margaret Phillips. “There are already too many complaints about fireworks on our neighborhood listserv. Now we’ll get bombarded with emails asking if that booming sound they heard was a plane breaking the sound barrier, or gunshots.”
Preparations have already begun for construction of an airport in the city. Parking on Maple Avenue is currently being removed to make space for a runway, and the public works department has already begun changing all of the city’s signs to rename Takoma Park the “Asphalt City.” The city is also holding a contest to name the new airport. Currently, the leading names include BWI-Bruce Williams International, and MGX-Mr. Gabe International.