Republicans Call for Pause on Johnson & Johnson Vaccine After Reports of Blood Clots From School Shootings

WASHINGTON, DC – Johnson & Johnson vaccinations came to a screeching halt yesterday after GOP leaders demanded a pause on distribution following reports of several blood clots that developed after recent school shootings.

“This is a national crisis that needs our urgent attention,” said Senator Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee. “Dying from a blood clot after being shot at school is unacceptable, and it is clearly related to this new vaccine in some way. That’s why I’m calling for a complete ban on this brand of vaccine until we figure out what is going on.”

Even though cases of fatal blood clots after a school shooting are extremely rare when compared to fatalities from actual gunshot wounds, Republicans were united in blaming the vaccine for school shooting deaths.

“Guns don’t kill people. Vaccinations that cause blood clots after being shot six times in the chest with an AR-15 rifle kill people,” said Senator Rand Paul while reminding everyone he is an ophthalmologist and, therefore, an expert on vaccines. “Our Founding Fathers knew this when they wrote the 2nd Amendment. As James Madison said back in 1791, ‘The only way to stop a bad blood clot is a good kid with a gun.’”

The news had an immediate impact on availability of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine, millions of doses of which have already been administered. Walmart’s pharmacies have stopped administering the shot and are offering instead a 50% discount on all firearms, ammunition and child-sized compression socks to provide an extra layer of protection for children now going back to school.