Taliban Denies Afghan Capital Insurrection Ever Happened

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Taliban leaders denied allegations that its supporters had stormed the Afghan capital of Kabul and even blocked passage of a bill to create an independent commission to investigate the deadly insurrection that swept into the city in August.

“As one of the members who stayed in the Capital, who with other Taliban soldiers helped secure the perimeter from the mob who tried to enter, I can tell you the Capital was never breached and it was not an insurrection. This is the truth,” said Supreme Commander Hibatullah Akhundzada while wearing a “Civil War 2021” button.

The Supreme Commander’s comments marked the latest attempt by the Taliban and its supporters to revise the narrative of what occurred when the terrorist organization seized control of Afghanistan’s capital and drove duly elected government officials into hiding.

“If you didn’t know that TV footage was a video from August 2021, you would actually think it was a normal tourist visit to the presidential palace,” said Akhundzada. “You can even see how the U.S. and Afghan military forces were opening up the barricades and just letting the Taliban in freely.”

Millions of witnesses around the world clearly saw photos and livestreams of Taliban soldiers storming the capital with tactical gear and carrying guns, leaving the city of Kabul with broken windows, ransacked properties and numerous casualties. Despite this evidence, the Taliban maintains the fall of Kabul was simply a gathering of “peaceful patriots” who were concerned about the future of their country and determined to make their voices heard.

“This didn’t seem like an armed insurrection to me,” said Akhundzada while overseeing the individuals who used weapons to engage in a violent uprising against a sitting government. “If anyone was mistreated, it was us – people that love this country. Any reports of misbehaving must have been about other groups of agitators responsible for the mayhem, like Antifa.”

The Taliban leader also said he’s looking forward to getting a chance to show the world his “indisputable” evidence of massive voting irregularities in Afghanistan as soon as his partner, MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, puts the finishing touches on their PowerPoint.