WASHINGTON, DC – After yet another deadly school shooting in America, members of Congress are now required to practice lockdown drills to prepare for the threat of a gun control debate reaching the floor of the House or Senate.
“Decades of research proves that hiding under your desk while not making a peep is the most effective way to survive having to talk about gun violence,” whispered House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA). “The foolish thing to do in this scenario would be taking action by playing the hero. That could lead to serious harm, like getting our reelection chances killed.”
The required lockdown training includes several drills, including installing barricades at office doors and identifying alternate escape routes to avoid gun control advocates, as well as remembering to destroy evidence of collusion with the gun lobby and other unethical behavior before exiting to safety. Lawmakers will also participate in real-life simulations involving actors portraying Parkland, Florida, high school students who will show up unannounced and armed with bullhorns, signs, and petitions to ban assault rifles.
“After doing this training, I understand how terrified our children must feel when hiding from an active school shooter,” said Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV). “But, still, that’s nothing compared to our fear of what the NRA might do if we even hint at proposing universal background checks.”
Members of Congress still feeling uneasy after lockdown training were assured that they could take shelter at the nearby Fox News studio, where, instead of reporting on gun violence, the conservative network is focused on the real threat to America: Michelle Obama’s bare arms.