A Traffic Nightmare on Elm Avenue

TAKOMA PARK, MD – After the State Highway Administration (SHA) released a proposal to drastically alter the intersection at Elm Avenue and MD 410/Ethan Allen Avenue, residents expressed their fears about potential traffic nightmares to come.

“Since learning about the intersection change, I haven’t been able to sleep at night,” said Mark Lewis of Ward 2. “The thought of having to drive 13 miles to get to the co-op that’s just two blocks from my house is haunting my dreams!”

Just like the boogeyman, the SHA snuck up on city residents when they least expected it. The plan, if approved, will strangle commutes by prohibiting cars on Elm from crossing 410 and allowing only right turns onto Elm from both directions. Nearby residents, who were once advocates for promoting pedestrian safety, have now turned to the Takoma Park Facebook Group to rail against one-way streets and other confusing vehicular patterns throughout the city.

“I had a boyfriend who said he was going to check things out at the farmer’s market,” said Pam Jackson. “We begged him not to go alone, but he assured us he would ‘be right back.’ And then we never saw him again.”

Even though the SHA proposal is likely to be dead-on-arrival, many have grown paranoid of other scary plans to change the intersection, with some commuters claiming to have seen a group of girls jump roping at nearby Forest Park singing:

“One, Two, Traffic’s coming for you.
Three, Four, Better walk some more.
Five, Six, Hope you don’t drive stick.
Seven, Eight, You’ll get home late.
Nine, Ten, Never drive again.”