WASHINGTON, DC – In an incident that has quickly become the talk of the networking scene in the nation’s capital, a newborn baby provided an astonishingly underwhelming answer to the staple DC question: “So, what do you do?”
Jennifer Watkins, a congressional staffer who is accustomed to rapid-fire exchanges about job titles, Ivy League pedigrees, and professional accomplishments at K Street happy hour events, was left wanting much more when a constituent’s week-old son, Liam, responded to her question with a drooling gurgle.
“I was expecting, I don’t know, maybe some insights about his napping skills and milk preferences or even some initial thoughts on which Landon board members he will try to impress during his admissions interviews,” Watkins said, adjusting her Georgetown alumni pin. “But all I got was a half-hearted coo and some chunky spit-up.”
Local playgroup circles are also buzzing about the incident. “It’s always tough when DC parents realize their newborns aren’t ready for policy talk,” said Stacey Hendricks, a fellow parent and lobbyist for Gerber Baby Foods. “I mean, how else are we supposed to prove to other parents that our child is capable of demonstrating value?”
Dr. Harold Greene, a child psychologist, advises parents to set more realistic expectations for their infants. “Babies typically focus on activities like crying, feeding, and sleeping. It’s only around month three that they start formulating their stance on tax reform and infrastructure spending.”
Seizing on the opportunity presented by babies like Liam, former Hill staffer Lars Johnson has opened a private consulting firm to improve infant networking readiness. For a modest fee of $50k, Johnson will coach your infant using patent pending techniques and guarantees results – if your baby doesn’t leave its first Hill happy hour with a vaguely worded promise to meet up later for coffee at the Rayburn Cafeteria, or an invite to join someone’s kickball team, he’ll hold your place in line for the next Ways and Means Committee markup free of charge.