The Takoma Torch Officially Condemns Anyone Who Has Yet to Offer Their Opinion on the Current Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

To the hushed masses of America: The Takoma Torch has borne witness to your reticence on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and we find ourselves deeply, profoundly disappointed. In this enlightened era, where wisdom is but a tweet away, your silence speaks volumes.

How, in the vast realm of social media where knowledge is boundless, have you not yet distilled this monumental issue into a succinct status or story? Surely, you must have glimpsed that profound infographic shared by a high school friend, now a self-declared Middle Eastern expert after their enlightening 10-day sojourn to the region.

We, the guardians of moral fortitude, are left to wonder if perhaps you are deliberately ignoring the matter. Are you hiding behind the guise of “seeking diverse viewpoints for a well-rounded perspective”? Or perhaps, in an act of sheer audacity, you’re “lending an ear to the narratives of those directly impacted”?

Here at the Torch, we recognize the weight of our moral compass. We also understand the duty of modern citizens to encapsulate centuries-old conflicts into bite-sized, unequivocal truths. To tread any other path is simply…uncouth.

To wrap our lament, if you cannot summarize this profound and intricate situation into a catchy, shareable quip, you can eat shit and die. Are you even fit to be on Twitter?

Do better,

The Takoma Torch Team