Distraction 2020: The Takoma Torch’s Election Endorsements

The fate of our nation hangs in the balance with American democracy tilting on the precipice, in danger of a gradual slide into fascism. Racial conflict is surging to levels not seen in decades. A devastating virus is sweeping the planet.

In these dire times, the citizens of Takoma Park, Maryland are focusing on what is truly important to our society: the fate of a small parking lot next to our local food co-op.

For the past three months, we’ve interviewed candidates, reviewed all 72 interest group questionnaires and studied the issues by doomscrolling on the Takoma Park group on Facebook.

We’ve engaged with an elite team of economists, planners, cultural appropriation analysts, real estate investors, architects, landscape architects and arborists to come up with our list of preferred candidates.

Mayor: The Parking Lot at the Takoma Junction. Despite a campaign message that can be best described as flat and dull, the precedent-smashing impact of having the first municipality in the nation elect an empty landmass as mayor is too significant to deny. In a city facing unnecessary and scary change, the parking lot has remained consistent and reserved in its position.

Ward One: Dominic Silverberg. Silverberg burst onto the political scene as a listserv poster who briefly turned Takoma Park politics on end by daring to criticize the TPSS Food Co-Op. We feel he will be a true champion of downtrodden Takoma Park residents too afraid to express their opinions. Even though Silverberg is believed to be living in hiding under the federal witness protection program, we believe he’ll find a way to represent the residents of Ward One.

Ward Two: The Mole Mural. This highly controversial but effective mural on the corner of Prince George’s and Conway Avenues would ensure that public art, which is rarely a topic of heated local conversation, gets the attention it deserves. The Mole Mural is expected to lead a new commission on cultural appropriation and falafel recommendations.

Ward Three: Peter Franchot. The Comptroller of Maryland, local resident and likely Republican candidate for governor, is the clear choice for this section of the city. While we appreciate Kacy Kostiuk and Olly Swyers for being the only two candidates brave enough to answer our candidate questionnaire, Franchot’s dedication to conservative values and focus on hyperlocal issues means he will be an effective voice in countering the Takoma Park City Council’s liberal bias. This was a harder decision than trying to figure out the correct pronunciation of all three candidates’ last names

Ward Four: The Free Leaf Mulch Pile. One of the distinct benefits Takoma Park residents receive for paying thousands of dollars in extra property taxes is free mulch from the city’s public works department. Despite numerous accusations of dirty politics, we think the mulch pile ran as clean a campaign as could be expected. While the candidates platform reeks of corruption, the mulch pile has been an effective champion for the saving the environment.

Ward Five: The Ditch on Flower Avenue. A newcomer to local politics, this giant canyon on the corner of Flower and Maplewood Avenue has made people screech in their tracks and has been a topic of much well-reasoned community dialogue recently. We applaud her ability to make residents literally stop and think about local issues.

Ward Six: Taco Bell. When it comes to thinking outside of the bun, there’s no candidate like the Taco Bell at New Hampshire Avenue and Holton Lane. Taco Bell is working hard all day long and is ready to take the call, or order, at 3am. Plus, this candidate knows how to get things built on existing parking lots, and has been a long standing supporter of the need to reform local marijuana laws. To read more about the Taco Bell platform, please visit their drive-thru service and check out the constantly changing menu.

No candidate will be able to please everybody, but in Takoma Park, they sure as hell better try. Making the perfect the enemy of the good is what this important election is all about.

But seriously, people, everybody should have voted already. Voting assures you get to complain when the other candidate wins and things go wrong. And if you haven’t done so yet, for heaven’s sake, VOTE!