Dear Takoma Torch Fans,
Now and always, the health and safety of our readers and writing staff is our top priority, right after our sponsors. We remain committed to cultivating a better world and are living that commitment more than ever in these uncertain times by capitalizing on this rare opportunity to remind you to like and share our social media posts.
We are monitoring this evolving situation very closely and working with the CDC, FDA, WHO, MLB, NBA, YMCA and local officials to ensure we’re doing the absolute minimum we can to keep our readers and writing staff safe while still getting you to buy something from our online store here.
This includes heightening our existing industry-leading protocols. We already:
- Scrub down each and every social media post with hand sanitizer so you can rest assured you cannot contract the COVID-19 virus while reading our articles
- Conduct full body cavity searches to confirm the health of each employee before entering our headquarters
- Require managers to wear locally-sourced, hand-knitted face masks made with 100% organic materials.
- Provide unpaid sick leave to motivate workers to get better faster
- Employ robust procedures around cleaning and disinfecting frequently touched surfaces, including, doorknobs, countertops, iPads, keyboards, coffee mugs, and our DVD copy of Magic Mike.
- Cleaning work spaces frequently, including the break room, restroom, and the largest table at our local coffee shop when taking it over for a whole day after ordering only one cup of coffee.
- Temporarily put a stop to inappropriate touching of staff, including, but not limited to, hard pats on the butt to show appreciation for good efforts and unsolicited shoulder massages.
- Require using the left sleeve for coughs and sneezes, and the right sleeve to wipe our noses
We are taking additional precautions, including:
- Hoarding toilet paper and hand sanitizer
- Social distancing ourselves from anyone who is in favor of 5G cell towers
- Lobbying the City of Takoma Park to temporarily lift the single use plastic straw ban
- Reducing our consumption of Taco Bell by 30%
- Cough-shaming people at restaurants, public transportation, and other social events
- Purchasing thousands of discounted LiveStrong bracelets and reselling them at a profit to show our united support against Coronavirus
Although the transmission of COVID-19 has not been
linked to satirical news by the USDA or the FCC, safety remains a top priority.
We will continue to explore additional tools, protocols and measures as these
unique circumstances evolve.
Thank you for patience, understanding and partnership during this situation and as always, we appreciate your support, commitment and love for the Takoma Torch. If you have any questions or concerns, please know that you can always contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Keep shopping, now and always,
The Takoma Torch Team