LANGLEY PARK, MD – Unable to hear the prayers of billions of other people around the world due to the extremely loud sounds coming from a large speaker system, former carpenter and messiah Jesus H. Christ filed a noise ordinance complaint with Prince George’s County against a Christian street preacher on the border of Langley Park and Takoma Park.
“Good God Almighty, it’s 7 am on a Sunday morning!” exclaimed the Son of Man while trying to send signs to Virginia voters about the importance of their election on Tuesday. “What is it with these Jesus freaks always acting like they are above the law? Do these bible thumpers not understand the whole point of Romans 13:1-2?!”
The relevant ordinance prohibits loud noise before 9am on weekends, and, even then, any noise is limited to 65 decibels. The preacher’s speakers clearly exceed these limits, as his threats of everyone going to hell can be heard almost 1/2 mile away in surrounding neighborhoods.
Takoma Park residents tried complaining to their police numerous times but, because the preacher is technically on the Prince George’s County side of the border, he is out of Takoma Park’s jurisdiction. Prince George’s residents have also complained about the noise, but found themselves mired in their own bureaucratic run-arounds.
That’s when Jesus took the wheel.
“I went down to the local Prince George’s County police station to find a remedy, but I was immediately arrested because they thought I was just some homeless, crazy guy,” said Jesus. “I guess I started off on the wrong foot when I showed them a crucifix when asked for my identification.”
After spending the night in jail, Jesus was then told that noise complaints are handled by local jurisdictions and to call his county council representative first. Realizing this was the first time ever that there was nothing he could do, Jesus lost his patience and ultimately gave up.
“I’ve never felt this helpless before. I’ve even prayed for someone to shut that noisy preacher up, but that didn’t work either,” lamented Jesus. “The noise has even affected my performance at work. Last year, I was so distracted when trying to turn water into wine that I accidentally invented White Claw.”