Each fall, the days get shorter, the weather gets colder, and deciduous trees change into beautiful autumn colors before ultimately shedding their leaves. Many people believe it’s the colder air or the lack of water that causes this mysterious occurrence.
But according to a recent scientific study, trees shed their leaves at this time of year specifically so that humans can rake them directly into bike lanes as a way to keep the cyclist population low.
“What we’ve learned is that our environmental assumptions were wrong: trees actually prefer cars over bikes,” said internet researcher James Rollings. “Just look at how many more cyclists exist in downtown areas with fewer trees. It’s so obvious!”
The study, conducted by the same scientific organization that recommends more free parking as a means to combat climate change, determined that the numerous warnings and attempts to remind people to rake their leaves inside the curb are always futile. The natural synergy between a tree’s shedding of its leaves and a human’s instinctive desire to rake those leaves into the street will always combine to create leaf-choked bike paths that dramatically increase the chances of cyclist injury or death.
“Cyclists have always held a deep disdain for wet, slippery leaves blocking the barely 3-foot wide space they’ve fought so hard for, but it’s really just a natural occurrence that cannot be changed,” said Rollings. “Hopefully, this study will remind cyclists that they are the ones really at fault here and should just start driving a car like normal people.”
The study also discovered that breathing in debris from decaying leaves also triggers other antisocial behavior in humans, including being on your phone at movie theaters, using random ALL CAPS when commenting on Facebook, and taking the middle armrest even though you have the fucking window seat on a plane.
