WASHINGTON, DC – In a surprise move, the Supreme Court announced today that it had looked really closely and unexpectedly discovered a previously unknown clause in the Constitution guaranteeing themselves the right to a private, uninterrupted meal at the steakhouse of their choice.
Holding strictly to their view that no one has any rights except those that were explicitly written down by white, male farmers and businessmen in the eighteenth century, six justices were relieved to discover that James Madison had anticipated that a future court might want to indulge at a Ruth’s Chris without the unpleasantness of being confronted with the horrific consequences of their own official actions.
“I’m as shocked as anyone,” said Justice Kavanaugh while perusing the dessert menu on the Charlie Palmer website. “It’s amazing that no one ever noticed this sentence over the last 200 plus years, but it’s definitely there and totally real. So I don’t want to hear any more about my support for forced birth, increased maternal mortality or retraumatization of sexual assault victims while I’m just trying to enjoy some crème brûlée.”
Historians expressed discomfort with the ruling, noting that no independent source could corroborate the existence of what is now being known as “the porterhouse privacy proviso,” but Justice Alito dismissed the criticism as just another politically motivated attack on the court’s credibility.
“Just because liberal activists can’t see this clause doesn’t mean that it isn’t real,” said Alito. “Maybe if they hadn’t spent all of their time fighting prayer in schools they’d have a better understanding of how you sometimes have to trust in the existence of a higher authority that knows better than you do. And clearly I am that authority.”
Justice Clarence Thomas was the first to take advantage of his newly discovered right at the Bethesda location of Morton’s. Mere blocks away from where frightened patients were being screamed at and spit on while attempting to access a health clinic, Thomas, a wealthy black man occupying one of the most powerful positions in American government, peacefully ate a slice of key lime pie and sipped a mojito, just as the Founders had clearly always intended.
