SILVER SPRING, MD – As final votes get tallied and major news sources have called the Maryland gubernatorial primary races in favor of Democrat Wes Moore and Republican Dan Cox, residents of the state are bracing for a pounding of “Moore-Cox” jokes coming hard at them.
“OK, we get it. The last names put together make really good penis jokes,” said Mike Reed, 38, of Downtown Silver Spring. “But if I hear another person say ‘Moore Democrats plan to beat off Cox,’ I’m gonna lose it.”
Voters in Maryland almost missed this opportunity, as early polling showed two other candidates, Peter Franchot and Kelly Schultz, poised to climb on top despite both having very unsexy names that are not exciting in any way. Fortunately, Marylanders rose to the occasion and pulled off the surprise happy ending for Moore and Cox, whose campaign managers remarked that they were impressed by the “incredible growth” of the candidates’ movements and now plan to increase the size of their literature by several inches in the general election.
“As it turned out, campaign volunteers really working every poll in Maryland made a big difference on the final outcome,” said Montgomery County election official Hugh Jurekshun. “I think in the end, they really persuaded voters that the other choices were too hard to swallow.”
The victory for Cox, a radical right winger with a literal hard on for fascism, did represent a setback for the political movement of outgoing Governor Larry Hogan, who backed Schultz. When asked for comment on who he plans to support in the general election, Hogan, in an attempt to make his own inappropriate joke on the subject, simply called Dan Cox “a huge dick.”