Capitol Police Fired, Replaced With DC Building Permit Department Employees

WASHINGTON, DC – As highly trained government employees known for their ability to block anything from moving forward, the District of Columbia’s Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs (DCRA) replaced the Capitol Police to protect Federal buildings from angry mobs after the U.S. Capitol Police proved unequal to the task.

“Trust me, if you want to bring something to a complete halt, our building permit department employees will not let you down,” said DC Mayor Muriel Bowser. “Had the DCRA been in charge from the beginning, these people would have never gotten their permit to be on the National Mall in the first place. They’d still be waiting in line for a fourth employee to come back from a lunch break before telling them the office is closing early for the day.”

After the Capitol Police failed to prevent domestic terrorists in Duck Dynasty cosplay from breaching the US Capitol Building, Congress contacted Mayor Bowser for her recommendation. Bowser assured members of Congress they will be safer under DCRA protection, even though their workforce is a fraction of the size and has no combat training.

“Every day, these emotionally-hardened civil servants turn away thousands of irate people, and all without violence or even leaving the comfort of their office chairs,” said Bowser. “And they’ll make anybody run away crying without having to use tear gas.”

When asked for their reaction on the decision to replace trained police with building permit reviewers, Trump supporters were concerned. “I may believe the earth is flat and that Trump is a good Christian,” said Dale Wyatt. “But I’m not THAT stupid to believe I can easily get something through the DCRA.”

%d bloggers like this: