TAKOMA PARK, MD – In the wake of widespread disappointment with the Washington football team’s new “Commanders” name, the Takoma Park City Council has sent a letter to team owner Dan Snyder offering to build the team a new stadium with the condition that Takoma Park residents get to rename the team again.
“We have a shit ton of pandemic relief money, a perfect location at the former hospital site, and a reputation for being into highly competitive sports,” said the Mayor. “All we need is the assistance of 18,000 Monday morning quarterbacks to come to consensus on an alternative name.”
Takoma Park officials claim that the deal makes long term fiscal sense for the city while also providing immediate economic relief, as yesterday’s announcement of the Commanders name caused a catastrophic drop in labor productivity when every resident spent all day on social media complaining about the new name. If Snyder agrees to terms, the city will hold several council meetings to nail down the perfect alternative name that is both entirely inoffensive and also smugly self-satisfied. Some new names being floated include the Quirks, the Vaccinators, and the Washington Futbol Team.
“I think the ‘Commies’ is likely the winner. It takes the Commanders and turns it into something that really resonates with Takoma Park residents,” said the Mayor. “But really we want to be inclusive of anarcho-syndicalism, democratic socialism, secular communitarianism, and the range of utopian aspirationalist systems, so there is a lot of discussion still to happen.”
The cost of building the new stadium is estimated at $1.3 billion. Takoma Park believes they can pay for that with the $13.5 million they received in pandemic relief funds plus additional revenue from selling the public library to Silver Spring. In the event of any shortages, the city will lean heavily on the ability of local gubernatorial candidate Peter Franchot to convince Maryland state officials that a massive government-owned parking lot for 60,000 fans is worth redistributing a large portion of the state’s pandemic relief
allotment.
County Executive and Takoma Park native Marc Elrich has also agreed to provide additional funding from Montgomery County, but only if the stadium is constructed by a nonprofit organic woodworkers collective and he gets to be on hand for the opening Bitcoin Toss to decide which team kicks off and which receives.
