TAKOMA PARK, MD – Residents were shocked to discover this week that a massive “Elf on the Shelf” doll had magically appeared on top of the Takoma Park Community Center.
“I was driving down Maple Avenue, and when I looked up, this creepy, crazed-eyed thing was staring down at me,” said Susan Phillips. “Then, an even more strange thing happened. I went on the Takoma Park Facebook Group to find out what it was, and everyone was being so nice to each other. It was really weird.”
The mysterious giant doll, nicknamed “the Narc of Takoma Park,” is believed to have been planted by city officials to monitor the behavior of city residents and report back to Santa. The city council has firmly denied such allegations, but have welcomed the good behavior of residents over the past few days.
“We just don’t have the will power or the resources to monitor every single person in the city,” said the Mayor. “However, since the elf appeared, we’ve had almost no instances of people being naughty, like using gas-powered leaf blowers or snitching on other neighbors. And, even better, listserv fights have practically been eliminated.”
While many residents are appalled by the presence of a “deep state” monitoring device, some actually prefer having the elf around. “We understand the elf will be leaving in a couple of days, but we really hope it stays past Christmas,” said Chief of Police Antonio DeVaul. “In just a few weeks, the development at Takoma Junction is scheduled for another public hearing, and we’ll need a deterrent to prevent a full on civil war.”
