DC Area Drivers Demand Cherry Trees Be Cut Down to Improve Traffic, Add More Parking

WASHINGTON, DC – After being stuck in traffic for hours on Sunday due to the annual Cherry Blossom Festival, area drivers demanded the District cut down all of the cherry trees to help improve traffic and add more parking spaces.

“What a total nightmare!” said Mike Freeman of Alexandria, VA, while waiting behind a sea of red taillights. “If they just cut these things down, people like me wouldn’t have a reason to come here and clog up these streets.”

As cars packed the Tidal Basin, many drivers feared being trapped in their vehicle for several hours. Angry and frustrated after ignoring repeated warnings from local government to avoid driving in the area, they faulted the District’s push for more bike lanes and pedestrian safety measures for creating the jam.

“I blame these urban planners who don’t know how to design cities for maximum efficiency,” said Amber Greene of Bethesda, MD. “What they should have done is planted these cherry trees all along the Beltway so even more drivers could experience the beauty of nature while trapped in a complete standstill.”

Surprisingly, some drivers said the gridlock was worth the experience.

“Hell yeah I’d do it all over again!” shouted Clark Dover from the rolled down window of his gas-guzzling, lifted pickup truck. “Even though I was literally trapped in my car for six hours, being able to drive into our nation’s capital while honking and flipping off other drivers is what freedom is all about!”