ROCKVILLE, MD – Beginning at 5 p.m. on December 24th, all households setting out milk and cookies for Santa Claus must do so on their roofs to avoid breaking the COVID-19 indoor dining restrictions set by the county council.
“We understand it can be very dangerous to climb up a ladder in potentially icy conditions while trying not to spill a glass of milk,” said County Executive Marc Elrich. “However, it’s much safer than letting Santa into your home, where he’ll have to take off his mask to eat and drink. So, if you want to risk your life to maintain a silly tradition, please do it by falling off of the second story of your house and not by exchanging germ-filled droplets with Saint Nick.”
Despite pushback from parents, the county says it intends to enforce the new rules. “We understand that this is a huge inconvenience for families, but please understand that nobody, including Santa, should put others’ lives at risk,” said county executive Marc Elrich. “Santa will be going into everyone’s homes and traveling extensively around the globe despite flight restrictions. He’s like a candy cane-scented superspreader. So it’s only prudent that we keep him eating outside as much as possible.”
The milk and cookie policy follows the latest restrictions on all restaurants in the county, which made indoor dining essentially illegal for the foreseeable future. Reached for comment, Santa expressed support for the new restrictions and cautioned against misguided attempts to get around them. “Don’t let me catch you constructing an outdoor dining ‘tent’ that’s got four complete walls, a roof and a door,” said Santa. “That’s an automatic trip to the naughty list for you.”
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