WASHINGTON, DC – After attacking Big Bird for promoting vaccinations, Republican leaders are now going after another Sesame Street character, Count von Count, for the fact that Joe Biden received more votes than Donald Trump in the 2020 Presidential Election.
“Thanks to this communist vampire, an entire generation of people have been brainwashed into counting all of the votes,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX). “We prefer the traditional way of counting votes, which is to stop counting when we are ahead and pretend every vote after that doesn’t count. Unless we’re behind from the beginning, in which case we’ll count as many votes as we need.”
Since 1972, the Count has been teaching math basics to American children. Republicans conveniently ignored his public service when Nixon, Reagan, Bushes 42 and 44, and Donald Trump won their elections, but when Joe Biden defeated Trump in 2020 they immediately attempted to place blame on the friendly and non-threatening vampire puppet.
“First those pants-less puppets with no penises and their incessant talk about feelings ruined traditional masculinity,” said Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO). “Now the Count is ruining democracy with more left-wing propaganda. It’s time to take our country back and teach puppets their real role – getting elected to keep giant corporations in power.”
When asked for comment, the Count responded, “I see one bat…two bats…no wait…three batshit conspiracy theorists, AH AH AH!”
