ANNAPOLIS, MD – Republican Governor Larry Hogan announced his intention yesterday to opt out of losing what would probably be a fairly close Senate race against Democrat Chris Van Hollen to instead get absolutely destroyed in the 2024 Republican Presidential Primary.
“Look, the odds of winning a statewide race where I’ve already won twice and remain popular by pretending to be a moderate candidate are too low,” said Hogan. “Let’s just say I saw the writing on the wall…and that writing told me that I have much better odds of seeking the nomination of a national party full of right wing extremists who hate moderate views.”
The announcement came as a deep disappointment to Maryland Republicans, who believed the governor had the best chance of defeating the popular incumbent Van Hollen in the deep blue state. Without Hogan on the ballot, their best hope to break a 40-year streak of losing statewide federal elections in Maryland now lies in the hands of Republican Congressman Andy Harris, who inconveniently doesn’t believe in the concept of free and fair elections.
“The truth is, I just don’t want to be a United States Senator, and that fact has not changed,” said the Republican governor. “Also, the fact has not changed that the Republican Party doesn’t want me as President of the United States either. But that’s a challenge for another day.”
When asked how he could possibly win his party’s nomination for president, Hogan said he plans to apply the same winning strategies he used to win in Maryland, such as attacking Donald Trump, offering disingenuous compromises to his opponents, and winning the Iowa Caucus by convincing Iowans to put Old Bay on their corn.