TAKOMA PARK, MD – Upon the realization that the fate of the city rests on the viability of a boutique, organic grocery store, local historians have revised the date Takoma Park was founded from 1883 to 1998, the year the TPSS Co-Op relocated to the city.
“If the Co-op were to ever shut its doors due to neighboring development, it would be the end of Takoma Park as we know it,” said Pierce Lawrence of Historic Takoma. “And if the city only exists with the Co-op here, that can only mean that the city didn’t exist at all for the 115 years before the Co-op arrived. So I guess this means we need to order some new plaques.”
The announcement sparked major controversy, as more than a century of the city’s official history had to be revised. Records will now describe pre-1998 Takoma Park as an unincorporated suburb struggling through a harsh famine, with a lone Subway franchise as its only source of food. Previous mayors, including BF Gilbert, George Miller, and Sammie Abbott, have been stripped of their titles and recategorized as guerrilla leaders of the Bohemian Revolution.
“Even though it will have to be moved to a different Wikipedia page, the Pre Co-Op Era will still be remembered as a significant part of our history,” said Lawrence. “A variety of affordable housing options existed, the Clintons were well-liked, and people opposed our dependence on automobiles. That all changed after 1998 with the discovery that easy access to cage-free eggs and fair trade coffee are worth reorienting an entire municipality’s land use, taxation, transportation and housing policies around the interests of a single local business.”
In recognition of the revised founding date, a group of hardcore Co-op shoppers has established a brand new calendar system that designates all the years prior to 1998 as “B.C.”, or “Before Co-Op,” and gives subsequent years a Co-op based theme. According to the new calendar, 2021 is “The Year of Our Gourd 23,” and February is 10% off month.
To commemorate the newly recognized city history, a mural will be painted on the side of the Co-op building portraying the intense legislative battle between board members to relocate the store from Silver Spring. It is expected to contain vivid images of the historic crossing of the mighty Sligo Creek into the brave new world known as the Takoma Junction, and also include graphic scenes of subsequent hard-fought battles such the Listserv Civil War of 2018 and the 2021 Invasion of the Developer.