10 Things You Missed Out On in Life Because You Spent Too Much Time on the Takoma Park Listserv

The moderator of the Takoma Park Listserv has just announced a one week “shut off” in posting, which means it is probably a good time for some self-reflection.

Let’s face it: you have a real addiction to fighting over petty municipal issues, and it’s time to get some help. While your body sweats out all of the toxins from years of bad email energy, reflect on these 10 things you missed out on in life while being way too engaged on the local listserv.

  1. Meeting your deadlines for work – Go back and count up all the hours you spent drawing new ideas for the development at the Takoma Junction. If you had spent those hours on a project you’re actually getting paid to do, you wouldn’t have had to lie about another family member’s death as an excuse for dropping the ball.
  2. Making friends with neighbors – Honestly, you didn’t realize it was your next door neighbor’s dog who pooped on your lawn before you went off on the listserv, and now it’s super awkward when you see each other leave the house to go to work each morning.
  3. Getting restful sleep at night – Sure, John was being a real dick last night, but he’s a dick to everyone and you let him get to you. So you spent all night tossing and turning trying to think of the perfect response to defeat him first thing in the morning. But then…you woke up exhausted. Your flubbed reply totally bombed, and he just hit you harder than ever before. Grab a bottle of wine because you’re basically fucked now.
  4. Finding a parking space – In less than the amount of time you spent complaining about the lack of parking due to all these evil developers, you could have just parked already and walked your lazy ass an extra block to get some organic coffee.
  5. Being present in the lives of your children – It’s a good thing your children fully document everything they do on social media these days. Now you can go back and experience all that you missed over the past decade while you were arguing with Karen over whether she has the right to block cars from the street her kids are playing in despite the fact that she has a decent sized backyard they could be using instead.
  6. Earning a degree – With better time management, you might have become an actual expert on the topic you’ve been acting like you know more about than everyone else.
  7. Getting in shape – You’ve exercised your right to free speech more than you’ve exercised your waistline. With the Daleview Pool about to open, you better hope the occupancy is limited to 25%.
  8. Volunteering more – Despite your endless discussions about trash problems, Sligo Creek is still full of garbage. Instead of getting into hot water by calling all of the city employees “dirty” and “corrupt”, jump in the cool creek and help clean up this town.
  9. Renovating your home – Complaining about your high property taxes is an exercise in futility. In the same amount of time it took you to realize that you might actually be a Republican, you could have remodeled your 1970s kitchen so you’re no longer embarrassed to have friends over.
  10. Leaving the Takoma Park listserv – You’ve been swimming in the toxic cesspool with trolls for so long that you don’t know who you are anymore. Even Donnie Brasco knew he had to get out before getting irretrievably sucked into the mafia life. Get out while you still can…If you still can, that is.