Republicans Agree to Allow Statehood for Northwest DC Only

WASHINGTON, DC – After an intense battle over representation for DC’s 700,000 residents, Republicans finally assented to DC statehood, but only for the city’s northwest quadrant.

“It’s an historic day for the hard-working, upper class corporate attorneys, lobbyists and politicians who make up this great quadrant of the District,” said Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton. “These great Washingtonians embody the true spirit of America, and they do it in a way that doesn’t challenge my own biases and preconceived notions about what a ‘real’ American is.”

Northwest DC, which has become significantly whiter and wealthier over the past few decades, will now gain two Senators and one voting member of the House of Representatives. With areas like Georgetown, Tenleytown, and Chevy Chase, the elected officials of Northwest will represent one of the highest income states in the country, and will more likely support conservative policy positions.

“We need to be assured that if a new state is created, it won’t rely on the federal government for any kind of financial support or bailouts,” said Sen. Cotton, whose home state of Arkansas is the 11th most heavily federally subsidized state in the country. “Northwest DC also has everything you need for Statehood. It has its own zoo, a major university, a national park, and even a Harris Teeter.”

Asked what it would take to expand the new 51st state beyond Northwest DC, Republicans responded that they would consider reworking the boundary to annex the Heritage Foundation headquarters in Northeast DC and all of McLean, Virginia.