POTOMAC, MD – Vice President Mike Pence angered hosts and upset guests by showing up at an elite, secret orgy without wearing a mask in a clear violation of the party’s guidelines.
“We maintain very strict rules at our secret orgies in order to protect all of our guests,” said a man going by the alias “Pulled Pork” and who described himself as a senator from “the southern-most Carolina.” “Wearing a mask not only protects us all from having our identities revealed, but also creates a safe space for less attractive members, such as Mike Pence.”
According to attendees, Mike Pence arrived around 10pm, “after Mother’s bedtime”. After failing several times to clearly pronounce the secret entry password, he removed his ball gag and mask in order to more clearly say “Fidelio” and gain entrance. Once inside, attendees were outraged by his refusal to put his mask back on and he was soon escorted out of the mansion and told to go home.
When asked why he refused to follow the orgy’s clear guidelines, Pence responded that he wanted to “be able to speak to these people, these incredible sexual pleasers, and look them in the eye and say thank you.”
The hired escorts quickly denounced his response, stating that they make it very clear upfront that they prefer not to look anyone directly in the eye, especially Pence, as he refuses to use any other position but Missionary.
Karen Pence later defended her husband, claiming he was unaware of the strict rules of the late night Bible study he insists he was attending that evening, and demanded they return the extra large rosary beads that were confiscated from him.
