OTTAWA, CA – Canada is demanding the United States stop acting like the neighbor who stores run-down cars on the lawn and insists they’re “projects,” after American behavior in the past year began actively dragging down Canadian property value.
“We didn’t move next to this,” said a Toronto realtor, gesturing vaguely south. “At some point America stopped mowing its lawn and started storing kidnapped foreign leaders in its shed.”
Since returning to office, President Donald Trump has transformed the U.S. from a mildly chaotic homeowner into the geopolitical equivalent of a rental duplex with plywood windows and dirty laundry airing out – literally. The alleged kidnapping of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro was widely viewed as the moment Canada realized America was no longer respecting property lines.
Things escalated when ICE shot and killed a woman in Minnesota, convincing Canadians that their neighbor is not only trashy, but a danger to their well-being. The final straw came when Trump began openly threatening to take Greenland by force – a move experts described as America buying another property it has no intention of maintaining.
“We already have one neighbor that hasn’t fixed their front steps,” said Ottawa resident Lorne Gordon. “Now it wants Greenland? Great. Now we’ll be surrounded by barking dogs at 3am and the smell of trash burning no matter which way the wind blows.”
Canadians fear if this behavior continues, trash will pile up, noise ordinances will be ignored, and America will definitely be running an extension cord to steal Canada’s electricity.
“We’ve seen this before,” said Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney, peering disapprovingly through his blinds. “One nation stops caring and suddenly the whole hemisphere goes to shit.”
At press time, Canada was exploring whether it could list the entire continent as a historic district to stop America from flipping it.
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