WASHINGTON -Vice President Mike Pence formally requested that President Donald Trump give him one final atomic wedgie to help the departing president cope with the pain of leaving office.
“I know President Trump has been upset with me for finally showing some spine and not letting him undermine American democracy,” said Pence, the notoriously obsequious vice president. “During tough times, the President always feels better after yanking me up by my tighty whities and pulling them over my head in a show of dominance. If he wants to unleash one of his monster noogies followed by a swirly in his gold toilet, I’m fine with that, too.”
In a press conference, Pence said he feels “super bad” about turning on Trump by acknowledging Biden’s victory. However, Pence added that he felt relieved to avoid a second Trump term, which will allow him time to heal from the mental and physical injuries inflicted by the president.
When asked what his plans are after Joe Biden is sworn in, Pence said he is looking forward to switching his career from politics to the private sector, where he can work at dunk tank booths at amusement parks around the country, though only if his wife, Karen, approves of the idea.
“If Mother says it’s OK, I’m super jazzed about this new form of humiliation! Being able to dunk me into a tank of cold water has appeal to both Republicans and Democrats!” Pence said. “Plus, that sudden blast of cold water hitting me has always worked to control any sexual urges that go against my Christian values. It’s a win-win.”