‘No Way to Address Housing Crisis’ Says County That Makes Building Housing Impossible

MONTGOMERY COUNTY, MD – After years of expanding zoning restrictions, increasing development costs, and blocking bills aimed to increase housing production, county leaders have issued their most heartfelt statement yet on the region’s escalating housing crisis: there’s just no way to fix it. 

“We’re doing everything we can to address housing affordability,” Elrich stated at a recent press conference, flanked by a model of a sprawling, six-bedroom single-family home. “Housing prices are sky-high, rents are unaffordable, and young people are fleeing the area. But what more can we do? We’ve already said we care.”

Elrich’s steadfast opposition to “missing middle” development has led to the proliferation of what locals now dub “MarcMansions.” These massive single-family homes, starting at just $1.5 million, dominate the county’s landscape, leaving little room for affordable multi-family housing. Critics have drawn comparisons to “Hoovervilles,” the shantytowns of the Great Depression, noting that MarcMansions are a fitting tribute to the man whose policies have all but guaranteed housing scarcity in one of the wealthiest counties in the nation. 

Elrich dismissed such criticisms, saying, “If people can’t afford to live here, they’re always welcome to move to counties like Frederick or Prince George’s. I hear that’s where our jobs are headed anyway.” 

Councilmembers Will Jawando and Kristin Mink echoed Elrich’s sentiments. “We’ve had dozens of community listening sessions all over the county about the housing shortage, and the message is clear: Chevy Chase said ‘no.'” 

“The real issue is these outlandish ideas to build apartments,” said NIMBY Coalition spokesperson Cheryl Yardsworth, sipping kombucha in her 5,000-square-foot home. “Affordable housing sounds nice until you realize it could be next to me. I didn’t move into my MarcMansion to share my sunsets with someone in a duplex.” 

Proposals to allow multi-family units near public transit or introduce accessory dwelling units have repeatedly been blocked by homeowner associations concerned about “preserving neighborhood character.” When pressed for solutions, Elrich said the county was exploring “innovative ideas,” such as hosting town halls to let residents voice why nothing should change. 

Despite repeated promises to address housing, Montgomery County remains a bastion of exclusivity, where the average resident’s solution to the housing crisis is “move somewhere else.” But don’t worry—the county assures residents it will continue doing exactly what it does best: holding workshops, scheduling listening sessions, and then building more excuses.