TAKOMA PARK, MD – The Takoma Park community’s beloved Facebook group, “Living and Giving,” known for its benevolent offerings of discarded fish tanks, half-used candles, and obscure VHS tapes, has taken a dramatic turn. To settle a fiery dispute among its moderators, the city has sanctioned an unprecedented MMA bout inside an octagon constructed entirely of unwanted crap sourced from the group itself.
“We took great pride in building a very safe structure given the materials we had to work with,” said the city’s construction manager Liam Timberland standing before the bespoke octagon built with chicken wire, shipping pallets, and dirty mattresses. “And, if someone gets a bloody nose during the fight, we have plenty of used feminine hygiene products to stanch the flow.”
The decision came after endless threads of comments involving arguments over moderation styles, emoji usage, and the carbon footprint of offered items, led to one moderator unilaterally pausing the group precipitating a city-wide panic over the ability to score some free shit. Fortunately, the pause took place during the Takoma Park Street Festival, so for the first time in its history, vendors were able to turn a profit.
With no resolution among the Living and Giving moderators in sight, city officials felt the need to step in.
“It’s important we settle this moderator dispute as quickly as possible so we can begin to rebuild Takoma Park’s barter economy,” said Ward 3 Councilmember Randy Gibson, known as the “Don of Donations” for his notorious knack for giving away the most eclectic items, including a lightly-haunted porcelain doll and a half-eaten vegan lasagna. “But most importantly, this octagon is where we separate the true recyclers from the wannabes.”
Local businesses are rallying behind the event, with Takoma Beverage Company offering a special “Moderator Mocha” – half sweet, half bitter, and packing a passive-aggressive punch. Even residents are eagerly anticipating the match, with side bets flowing on the odds of each contestant.
The fight consists of ten rounds of three minutes each, or until the working half of the used Christmas lights illuminating the ring burn out. The winner gets the prestigious title of “Supreme Moderator” with the responsibility of dealing with unruly members and finding a new home for the MMA octagon. The event will take place this Friday at 7:30pm at the Takoma Junction parking lot. Tickets will be 10 dollars each, or free if traded for a box of tangled iPhone charging cords.
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