TAKOMA PARK, MD – Three years after closing the northbound lane of Laurel Avenue to expand outdoor seating for restaurants during COVID, the city council voted 6-1 in favor of closing the southbound lane to build new pickleball courts.
“We heard about yet another bizarre state grant to block vehicle access to roads, so of course we applied…and won!” said the City Manager. “Now Takoma Park residents can enjoy their new favorite sport of pickleball while also enjoying their longtime favorite sport by arguing about it on their local listserv.”
Takoma Park does not currently have any dedicated pickleball courts, and meeting the demand for space to enjoy the increasingly popular sport was difficult. Just as the city’s multi-year search for a dog park site ultimately produced an inconvenient and difficult to use location, the only potential pickleball site that didn’t result in residents threatening to chain themselves to something in protest was the middle of the street in the business district.
Naturally, however, many residents were still angry.
“This is a public nuisance!” shouted Constance Komplanor. “These pickleball bullies are just out to take over every square inch of land, and if we don’t fight back, we will we lose every one of our precious parking spaces.” Komplanor then began incorrectly paraphrasing Martin Niemöller before getting distracted by the construction of a new apartment building across the street and stomping off in a huff.
The southbound lane will remain open until May 31st, after which the new restaurant Motorkat will be fully open and create a massive traffic nightmare for all.
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