WASHINGTON, DC – After several state governors announced that professional baseball games must take place without spectators, fans took to the streets to demand the restoration of their rights to overpay for cheap beer by opening up stadiums.
“This is un-American!” shouted Bret Graham. “The whole point of going to a baseball game is to grossly overpay for the experience of watching something live that we can easily watch on TV for free. This government will not stand in the way of my freedom to spend half a day’s salary on two Bud Lights!”
On average, a family of four spends over $200 on tickets and food at major league ballparks, and then spends several hours complaining about it to friends and co-workers the next day. Those estimate are only expected to increase locally as concession stands at Washington Nationals Stadium plan massive price increases after last year’s World Series victory.
“The government is just ruining the entire point of watching live baseball,” said Jennifer Freeman. “A cold beer on the couch while watching from home just doesn’t taste the same when it’s not marked up 800%, served at room temperature and causes me to miss an entire inning standing in line to buy it. But I’ll pay any amount for the taste of freedom!”
In response to fans, state governors have said they are doing everything they can to phase-in spectators over the course of the season. In the meantime, they are urging fans to replicate the true beer-drinking stadium experience at home by getting completely intoxicated, yelling at the players you think you can play better than, and peeing in the basement laundry sink standing shoulder-to-shoulder with a group of friends.