Study: Nobody Who Moved Here After You Loves This Place As Much As You

According to a new study, it is impossible for someone who has moved to this city after you moved here to love it as much as you do.

The study, conducted by longtime residents claiming to be experts on researching things, drew on data from over 2,500 people. It found what everybody should already know: the longer people have lived somewhere, the more they love it, even if they constantly complain and seem to hate everyone and everything that is new or different.

“Nobody loves this town more than me, which is why I’ve spent all my time since moving here complaining about all the new businesses and people that came later and totally ruined it,” said 30-year resident Louie Giordano. “Look at how happy all these new people are here. It just goes to show how little they appreciate this city for what it used to be.”

The study included a series of questions to determine how much respondents love their community, including “Which former establishment do you miss the most?”, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much are new people ruining this place?” and “How much do you wish to contribute to the local historic society?”

The results of the study demonstrated that longtime residents of 30 years or more love their city for all of the right reasons, while new residents 20 year or less love it for all of the wrong ones. For example, longtime residents show their love through creating a welcoming sense of community for their neighbors, such as deciding which families are too big or too loud, or watching like a hawk to ensure no one ever parks on the street directly in front of someone else’s house. On the contrary, new residents show their disdain for the community by making local restaurants and shops more crowded, biking alongside cars on local roads, and paying overinflated real estate prices that add instant equity to neighboring properties.

The study also revealed that some long-term residents love this place so much, they’ve decided to leave in the face of inevitable change. “What drew me to buying a house in this great city was knowing it would be the perfect place to live for many years before selling it at a massive profit,” said Mark Vinson. “Now, this city has become so desirable that I’ve reluctantly had to sell way earlier than planned for even more profit. It’s awful, but I’m taking one for the team.”

Within days of releasing the original study, a competing study emerged showing that 30 year residents have it all wrong, and don’t actually love their city as much as 40 year residents do.