TAKOMA PARK, MD – In a shocking decision, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has announced that Takoma Park will host the 2032 Summer Games, dealing a major blow to Australia, Germany, and Hungary, who had previously been considered the top contenders for the event.
“A major city is probably more appropriate for the Olympics, but Takoma Park will not disappoint,” said the Mayor. “We may not have an airport, a sports stadium of any kind, or nearly enough housing for 10,000 athletes. But what we lack in size and basic critical infrastructure, we make up for by turning everything into a huge political ordeal.”
Takoma Park has estimated it will cost approximately $9.5 billion to prepare the city to host the Olympic Games. About half of the funds will be raised through corporate advertising and increased tourism, and the other half will come from increasing property taxes 30,000% and raising the cost of a tree removal application from $25 to $30.
Local businesses and vendors were excited but nervous about the massive influx of tourism. “We already receive angry Yelp reviews from people who can’t get a table at my small restaurant, so how the heck am I supposed to seat millions of potential tourists?” asked Carolina McCandless, owner of Cielo Rojo. “But at least there’s still plenty of parking at the Junction.”
Various buildings around the city will be converted into event locations and other services. The former Washington Adventist Hospital will serve as the Athlete’s Village, with competitors from all over the world staying in Fyre Festival-style tents, eating cheese sandwiches from Aldi, and sleeping on biodegradable paper lawn waste bags from Ace Hardware. The Piney Branch pool will host the swimming and diving competitions as long as the lifeguard’s mom doesn’t need him to finish his chores at home first.
The Opening Ceremonies will take place at Lee Jordan Field in a new stadium designed by a handful of community volunteers who apparently know a lot about architecture despite having no relevant educational or professional experience. With global viewership of more than one billion people, the Opening Ceremonies will offer Takoma Park the opportunity to share its unique political views on a worldwide stage. Some ideas include anti-developer drum circles, white people protesting against cultural appropriation through traditional African dance, and a laser light show themed around the importance of traffic calming. Unlike previous Olympics, these opening ceremonies could last several days as Takoma Park plans to provide each spectator up to three minutes of camera time to speak on any issue they wish to discuss.
In perhaps the biggest change, the traditional gold, silver and bronze medals for winners will be replaced with a new system where every participant receives a gold medal. “Sports are inherently competitive, and that’s not really our vibe here in Takoma Park,” said the Mayor. “So our games will be the first to set aside petty concerns like scores, judging or time clocks and instead reward what really matters in sports: attendance.”
Work has already begun to prepare for the Takoma Games in 2032. Several committees have formed to select exploratory committees to create an Olympic committee, and Takoma Park city officials are working diligently to convince the IOC to expand the iconic five-ring logo to 45 rings in effort to be more inclusive of other colors.