Takoma Park Approves Installation of New Virtue Signal at Carroll Ave and Highway 410

TAKOMA PARK, MD – Concerned about the lack of a public safe space at the Takoma Junction, the City Council has worked with the State Highway Administration to add a new virtue signal at the intersection of Carroll Avenue and Highway 410.

“The Takoma Junction is the bleeding heart of our city, but unfortunately, has become a very dangerous place,” said the Mayor. “People approaching this intersection need to be warned that the danger of residents ostentatiously pretending to care about important issues lies ahead.”

The new virtue signal will replace the traditional red, yellow, and green traffic signal with a loud speaker system that will continuously play a white person quoting Martin Luther King, Jr. out of context. The speaker system can also be programmed to automatically bring up gentrification, racial inequity, and the lack of affordable housing should anyone be heard discussing potential development at the Junction parking lot.

“The time for falling asleep at the wheel is over,” said Kathryn Osgood wearing a “Free Tibet” t-shirt. “People need to know that, no matter what they’re doing, there is someone else who cares more about world problems than they do, and will make sure that everyone knows it.”

City leaders believe the new intersection safety measures will also benefit pedestrians, especially children. The signal will not only help school children safely cross the busy intersection, but will also simultaneously educate them about how many child laborers worked tirelessly to make their comfortable Nike shoes.