INDIANAPOLIS, IN – After news media outlets called the 2020 presidential election for Joe Biden this weekend, Dale Wyatt Mason felt responsible for not spending more time searching local pizza parlors for secret pedophilia rings run by the Democratic Party.
“If only I had searched just one more basement at one more pizza parlor, I could have made a difference in helping Trump win the election,” said Mason. “I knew that Brozinni Pizzeria looked mightily suspicious, with kids wearing baseball uniforms coming and going the past couple of weeks, and I did nothing about it.”
Mason is among the many adherents of QAnon, a far right-wing conspiracy theory alleging that the Democratic Party is a front for Satan-worshipping pedophiles running a global child sex-trafficking ring and plotting against Donald Trump, who they believe is the only person who can stop it. Four years ago, QAnon made national news by alleging that Comet Ping Pong in DC was harboring child sex slaves, a claim that resulted in a crazed, rifle-toting supporter traveling from North Carolina to investigate the establishment for himself. He found no evidence of wrongdoing because the allegations were thoroughly ludicrous, but observers like Mason still fixated on the thousands of additional pizza parlors out there to search.
“If I could go back in time, I would have spent less time inside my bubble owning the libs on Twitter or burning my Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson t-shirts, and more time traveling around the country ordering pizza deliveries and then shaking down the drivers to give up intel,” said Mason. “I might have only been one Hawaiian pizza away from preventing the Democrats from taking back Pennsylvania.”
Though QAnon adherents have resigned themselves to the fact that Trump will no longer be able to stop the Democrats, they have already begun preparations for the next four years by hiring former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani to build a national alliance of small landscaping companies, crematoriums and sex shops to “weed out” child sex offenders.