With just a few months to go until the end of the year, the people living on the land formerly known as America believe the absolute worst of 2020 has finally passed and things will start turning around soon.
“We’ve faced a deadly global pandemic, fascism, the loss of civil rights, floods, fires, the banning of TikTok, and now a massive nuclear explosion that has wiped out everything,” said Jonathan Kelly, wearing a Biden/Harris shirt and standing in his 12 foot by 12 foot concrete bunker. “I honestly can’t think of one more thing that can go wrong this year.”
Kelly’s list of 2020 calamities missed several major national events. After the locust plague in late September destroyed all of the nation’s crops, for example, newly appointed FEMA Director Joe Rogan created a “survival of the fittest” policy for access to the remaining food. The wealthy, though vastly outnumbered, were holding their own thanks to their control of an artificial intelligence army consisting of Amazon Alexas, self-driving Teslas, and a fleet of Sharper Image drones. The competition was suspended, however, after the simultaneous landfall of 87 hurricanes, which wiped out the majority of housing and hospitals all along the eastern seaboard and Gulf coast.
“Civil War II was already hard enough, with a global plague and resurgent Nazis. We really didn’t think it could get any worse after the discovery of mutant ‘death mosquitos’ in Oregon,” said survivor Mary Davis. “But just when we thought we were turning the tide, there was a series of light flashes followed by giant mushroom clouds. Fortunately, we found this cave to hide in, where we can still freely protest the recent change of our National Anthem to a Nickelback song.”
Nobody knows who was responsible for the nuclear attack. Many people believe President Trump, badly losing in the polls, decided it was preferable to destroy life on earth rather than face electoral defeat. Others believe their gods became angry for not implementing a flat tax system. Still, not all hope is lost.
“I know things seem dire and we desperately need our government to step in and do the right thing, but I think help is on the way,” said Benjamin Miles, a ridiculous optimist. “Susan Collins issued a statement confirming that she is ‘concerned’ and ‘troubled,’ so I’m sure everything is going to turn out fine.”