After a second major wildfire was ignited in California by a gender reveal party gone wrong, Target announced a new line of fire resistant party supplies intended to allow parents to engage in their weird fixation on the genitals of their fetuses without the risk of burning down the homes and businesses of thousands of people across the western United States.
“No one could have anticipated that the innocent deployment of a highly explosive powder bomb in the middle of a national forest could lead to so much pain and destruction,” said Target VP James Hunter. “But now parents who love a regressive devotion to an outdated gender binary can celebrate safely with our new products. The only tears you’ll see at a Target-supplied party are those of the toxicly masculine dads who can’t handle the idea of having a girl.”
Items in the “Resisting Fires and Modern Concepts Of Gender Identity” line include: pink and blue chemical fire extinguishers, Kevlar-coated t-shirts that say “Mama’s Boy” and “Daddy’s Girl,” fire protection blankets branded with either Barbie or GI Joe, and a Bombardier CL-415 aircraft that can drop 1,600 gallons of water, or pink or blue confetti as needed.
An informal survey of Pinterest and Facebook users indicates that parents-to-be are excited to make use of these new products.
“At first, I thought the $37 million price tag on the firefighting plane was a little steep,” said Madisyn Broward, who lives in a particularly fire-prone area of Arizona. “But if that’s the price I have to pay in order to triumphantly reveal to all of my friends and family that my fetus has a penis, I consider it a bargain.”