Biden Campaign Narrows VP Search to Women Who Don’t Want to be President

After months of interviewing and vetting dozens of the nation’s most qualified and impressive women, Joe Biden’s campaign narrowed its field of potential vice presidential candidates today by excluding everyone who showed any real interest in becoming president someday.

“The vice president can become president at any moment,” said Biden advisor and former presidential candidate Chris Dodd. “When we’re talking about the person who is one heartbeat away from holding the most powerful office in the world, clearly what we need is someone who doesn’t believe they have the talent to hold that office.”

The decision was seen as likely eliminating the candidacies of Kamala Harris, Stacey Abrams and Elizabeth Warren, among others, on the grounds that they were “too interested” in the job. “This isn’t a Sadie Hawkins dance,” said Ed Rendell, a Biden advisor who actively sought to be John Kerry’s running mate in 2004. “We’re not looking for a woman with initiative who knows what she wants and is willing to pursue it. We’d rather have someone who has somehow accumulated 100% of the qualifications needed to run the country without ever having tried to do it.”

After eliminating all of the women in politics who have demonstrated an interest in holding political office, observers were unclear on how it was possible for a female candidate to be selected under the campaign’s stated terms. Advisor Eric Garcetti, who tested his own potential 2020 presidential candidacy before opting to remain mayor of Los Angeles, acknowledged the challenge.

“Look, it’s not that we don’t want to have a female running mate,” Garcetti said. “It’s just that we need to find one that is the exact right combination of strong, effective, confident, capable, forward thinking, self-effacing, modest, likable, traditional, sweet and non-threatening. And we haven’t found that yet among the women of the Senate. Or the House. Or the state governments. Or academia. Or the private or non-profit sectors. But, you know, I’m sure she’s out there somewhere.”