‘Party of Lincoln’ Decries Toppling of Confederate Statue

RICHMOND, VA – Conservatives across Virginia decried the recent toppling of a statue of confederate general Williams Carter Wickham, saying the statue was peacefully expressing its views before being attacked by protesters hostile to Wickham’s ideas.

“He was just standing there,” said Preston Calhoun, who watched the toppling from a golf cart nearby. “He wasn’t armed, and he wasn’t threatening anyone, yet he was still violently attacked simply for standing for his beliefs. Who does that? This is insanity!”

Beau Everett, president of the local Sons of the Confederacy, agreed. “It is shameful that an individual could be subjected to violence for the peaceful expression of their views. There ought to be a law against this kind of brutality.”

A viral video of the incident shows a group advancing on the 175 year old general, who was pushed hard enough that he fell backward and struck his head on the street before lying motionless as the group moved on. No one stopped to assess his condition or call for assistance.

Representatives of the group that toppled the statue stand by their action, noting that Wickham was a slave owner who committed treason against the United States and that statues are objects without rights, feelings or opinions.

Despite this, a conspiracy theory that is flourishing online suggests that the statue, in fact, brought its toppling on itself through subversive behavior. One popular tweet representing this theory stated: “Civil War General shoved by protestors could be a Telecom provocateur. 175 year old William Carter Wickham was pushed away after appearing to transmit cell signals in order to spread harmful 5G rays. I watched, he fell harder than was pushed. Was aiming cell phone. Could be a set up?”