WASHINGTON, DC – President Un-elect Donald Trump has ordered the Pentagon to immediately withdraw 4,500 troops from Afghanistan and Iraq in order to stop American traitors from staying home this Thursday in what is being called the War on Thanksgiving.
“I can’t believe these so-called experts are urging us not to gather on Thanksgiving, which is the day we celebrate Indians thanking us for making America great for the first time,” said Trump. “Many people don’t know this, but the great Christopher Columbus led the pilgrims to Massachusetts – a state that I technically won if you throw out all the votes from Massachusetts.”
In preparation for the War on Thanksgiving, Trump has begun receiving daily intelligence briefings on secret plans at Starbucks to issue a new, offensive anti-Thanksgiving cup design. The President has also threatened to send troops to all 14,000 Starbucks locations across the U.S. to detain anyone who does not order a pumpkin-spiced latte.
“Technically, since we are at war, now is not the time to change leadership,” said Trump just a week after firing the entire top leadership level of America’s military and national security apparatus. “It sends mixed messages to our troops on the ground.”
After Trump’s declaration of war, many of his supporters enlisted in “Operation Save Thanksgiving.” Upon John Madden’s announcement that he was coming out of retirement to introduce the 10-legged Tofurkey during the Cowboys halftime show, a coalition of NFL owners and offensive linemen threatened to take a knee in protest while holding up an actual turkey leg. Also, the highly trained Virginia Potato Guardians rallied to Trump’s call to protect the Strategic Gravy Reserve, which the soon-to-be-former president had been stocking with KFC gravy his entire term.
While mainly worried about losing another American holiday to secularists, the President was also concerned about the economic impact of canceling Thanksgiving. By enlisting Eric Trump, his second favorite son, to organize a Black Fridays Matter protest during the Macy’s parade (which will be reduced to a single balloon, the famous Baby Trump Blimp), he sent a clear message that he would not tolerate the injustice of preventing shoppers from stampeding one another for access to discounted consumer electronics.
“If you look around at what these liberals are doing, we aren’t even allowed to say ‘Happy Thanksgiving’ anymore,” said Trump. “After all I’ve done to make America great again and invent the Chinavirus vaccine, I think I deserve a tremendous amount of thanks. Who knows, maybe one day people will thank me for sacrificing grandma so they could enjoy eating pumpkin pie together.”