NEW YORK, NY – U.S. stock markets recorded massive gains this week in direct response to reports of Republican leaders offering to sacrifice their own lives to save the economy.
“It seems the market is responding well to the idea of having fewer Republicans around,” said economist Timothy Brandt. “It’s as if the invisible hand of the free market just scrubbed itself with soap while singing ‘Happy Birthday’.”
The Dow Jones Industrial Average gained 2,112 points Tuesday—its single biggest daily point gain—after Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick, Fox News political analyst Brit Hume, and several other prominent Republican figures made their announcements. Stocks then continued their rally on Wednesday, as even more GOP leaders pledged to join the #MAGAdeath movement.
“I’d do anything to protect the thing I value most: quarterly profits. And if that means giving up my own life, then so be it,” stated Lt. Gov. Patrick, a “pro-life” advocate who has never served in the military. “We must take action to protect our current economic system by passing massive wealth down to our children and grandchildren…Plus, inheritance taxes are at an all-time low, so this is a particularly advantageous time to die.”
The Federalist’s Jesse Kelly also joined the pledge to die for the economy on Twitter yesterday: “If given the choice between dying and plunging the country I love into a Great Depression, I’d happily die,” he tweeted. “But of course I’m going to wait until I get my $1,200 government handout first.”
When asked if he, too, would be willing to sacrifice his life for the good of the economy, President Trump began limping and said he would, except that his bones spurs were acting up again.
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