Maryland Officials Mandate Increased Alcohol Consumption to Shore Up Economy

ANNAPOLIS, MD – In an effort to boost economic activity during the Coronavirus lockdown, Maryland Governor Larry Hogan (R) and state Comptroller Peter Franchot (D?) today ordered all residents to immediately and dramatically ramp up consumption of beer, wine and liquor.

The mandate is just the latest step by state and local officials to cut back the outdated liquor laws and boost essential businesses including grocery stores, pharmacies, handcrafted pour-over coffee shops and boutique pet spas.

“The economy is pretty much in the toilet right now, so we all might as well be hunched over it,” Hogan said at a press conference at the state capitol. “Booze is essential and we’re going to make sure you can get it any way you want it: at bars, restaurants, grocery stores, elementary schools, day care centers, whatever. The world is ending. Let’s get hosed.”

Holding a red Solo cup of craft beer, Franchot agreed. “The economic impact of encouraging Maryland residents to get blasted is impossible to ignore,” said Franchot, a longtime booze industry cheerleader hoping to succeed Hogan as the next Republican governor. “I want Marylanders to get so loaded that they will completely forget that March Madness was canceled, their retirement plans are way down, and that I might be governor soon.”

To execute the orders of state officials, the Montgomery County Council today announced plans to roll out a series of nine party buses – one for each of the five districts and four at-large buses – to distribute beer, wine and liquor to cooped-up residents from the back door, while pumping out Kool & The Gang songs.

“Ain’t no party like a pandemic party,” said County Executive Marc Elrich at a press conference, spilling an unidentified liquid from a silver flask. “Our county-owned, union-run liquor stores aren’t just essential businesses — they are THE most essential businesses. I don’t want to merely juice the economy. I want to gin and juice the economy!”

Councilmember Hans Riemer joined Elrich’s commitment to restore the economy. “I’m doing my best to drink enough Denizens and Silver Branch beer to hold back this recession,” stated Riemer while holding back a burp. “So far it’s been challenging, especially since my family has apparently decided to socially distance themselves from me, but I plan to stick it out.”

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