TAKOMA PARK, MD – As Halloween approaches, hundreds of deceased Takoma Park residents have risen from their graves as zombies to lodge passionate complaints about an increasingly vibrant city that used to be perfectly dead after 7pm.
“We’ve returned to express how upset we are with all these new restaurants, bars, and coffee shops,” said the late Silas MacDonnell, who died in 1907. “There’s way too much action going on in the downtown area, and I hope our presence will scare people about the dire future they are creating for themselves.”
MacDonnell is part of a growing population of the un-dead that is frustrated with changes in the city where he permanently lives. They have come to not only fight against new development that impinges on their quiet, but to prevent new dead people from showing up in their cemetery by advocating for safety measures like the addition of more sidewalks and a ban on 5G cell towers. His zombie group has been nicknamed “NIMGY,” meaning Not In My Graveyard.
“Some folks believe we should return Old Town Takoma back to the ghost town it used to be fifteen years ago, but we’re actually against that plan,” explained Petunia Dowd, former resident of Westmoreland Avenue. “We don’t want this place overrun with ghosts. We’re zombies, and we want this place completely DEAD.”
Experts say living residents shouldn’t be overly concerned about physical harm from the zombies, as most are vegetarian and those that do eat brains only do so with the express written consent of the victim. Also, their main purpose for rising was not to feast on the living but merely to attend last Wednesday’s city council meeting to register their complaints about changes in the city. Because zombies don’t need to sleep, eat, work or care for young children, the zombies had all night to provide lengthy testimony, causing the meeting to adjourn at 5 AM only after boring everyone to death.
While eager to return to their quiet graves after the meeting, many zombies decided to stay and shop for a while. After perusing the TPSS Co-Op and seeing only healthy Halloween treats, the zombies, led by Dowd, instead decided to head over to CVS to stock up on full-sized Snickers bars, adding “You only live once – usually.”