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New Vegan Doughnut Shop Helps White People of Takoma Park Find Courage to Cross Into DC Side
Business & Economy Local News

New Vegan Doughnut Shop Helps White People of Takoma Park Find Courage to Cross Into DC Side

The Takoma TorchJanuary 12, 2021January 13, 2021
After the grand opening of Donut Run on the Takoma DC side, white people of Takoma Park, Maryland, decided to courageously venture across the metro tracks into unfamiliar territory -...
Second Stimulus Bill Actually Just Cake
National Politics

Second Stimulus Bill Actually Just Cake

The Takoma TorchDecember 28, 2020
WASHINGTON, DC - In a surprise move, the White House took a knife to the recently enacted $2.3 trillion dollar government funding package, which includes a second round of pandemic...
Montgomery County Says Milk and Cookies For Santa Must Follow Outdoor Dining Rules
Business & Economy Local News

Montgomery County Says Milk and Cookies For Santa Must Follow Outdoor Dining Rules

The Takoma TorchDecember 21, 2020
Photo Credit - Suzy Hazelwood ROCKVILLE, MD - Beginning at 5 p.m. on Thursday, December 24th, all households setting out milk and cookies for Santa Claus must do so on...
7-11 at Takoma Metro To Be Demolished, Replaced With Mural of 7-11
Business & Economy Local News

7-11 at Takoma Metro To Be Demolished, Replaced With Mural of 7-11

The Takoma TorchDecember 18, 2020
TAKOMA, DC - Chain links fences have been erected around the 7-11 near the Takoma Metro station, signaling the start of construction on the building's replacement: a painted mural of...
Karen Calls Cops on Painting of Black Woman For Loitering
Art & Culture Local News

Karen Calls Cops on Painting of Black Woman For Loitering

The Takoma TorchDecember 12, 2020December 12, 2020
TAKOMA PARK, MD - Fearing for her life while clutching her pearls, a white woman most likely named Karen called the cops on a painting of a black woman on...
2nd Grader Shocked to Owe Developer Impact Taxes on New Buildings Created in Minecraft
Business & Economy Local News

2nd Grader Shocked to Owe Developer Impact Taxes on New Buildings Created in Minecraft

The Takoma TorchDecember 9, 2020December 9, 2020
ROCKVILLE, MD - Shortly after putting the final touches on a 500-unit residential skyscraper in Minecraft, Evelyn McFadden was shocked to learn she now owes millions of dollars in county...
Trump Pardons Mr. Burns
National Politics

Trump Pardons Mr. Burns

The Takoma TorchDecember 7, 2020December 8, 2020
SPRINGFIELD - In a move that shocked even Republicans, President Donald Trump pardoned C. Montgomery Burns, the cartoon billionaire made famous by The Simpsons, from any crime committed since the...
City Arborist: Each Christmas Tree Purchase Requires Decoration of 6 Additional Trees
Art & Culture Local News

City Arborist: Each Christmas Tree Purchase Requires Decoration of 6 Additional Trees

The Takoma TorchDecember 5, 2020December 5, 2020
Photo Credit - Alle Sebrina TAKOMA PARK, MD - As residents plan a visit to the volunteer fire department's annual Christmas tree lot, they should be aware of a new...
Montgomery County Builds New Glass Tower For Agencies to Spy On Residents More Easily
Local News

Montgomery County Builds New Glass Tower For Agencies to Spy On Residents More Easily

The Takoma TorchNovember 17, 2020
WHEATON, MD - Montgomery County has announced the opening of their new state-of-the-art government building, a giant glass structure that makes it physically easier for government employees to spy on...
Takoma Park Creates Tracking System to Verify Collected Leaves Are Delivered to Compost Pile
Local News

Takoma Park Creates Tracking System to Verify Collected Leaves Are Delivered to Compost Pile

The Takoma TorchNovember 13, 2020November 13, 2020
TAKOMA PARK, MD - In light of widespread satisfaction with the state’s online ballot tracker during this past election season, the city council has created its own online tracking system...
Distraction 2020: The Takoma Torch’s Election Endorsements
Editorials

Distraction 2020: The Takoma Torch’s Election Endorsements

The Takoma TorchNovember 1, 2020November 4, 2020
The fate of our nation hangs in the balance with American democracy tilting on the precipice, in danger of a gradual slide into fascism. Racial conflict is surging to levels...
Zombies Rise in Takoma Park, Complain About City Becoming Too Alive
Lifestyle Local News

Zombies Rise in Takoma Park, Complain About City Becoming Too Alive

The Takoma TorchOctober 29, 2020October 29, 2020
Photo Credit: S. Pakhrin - Silver Spring Zombie Walk TAKOMA PARK, MD - As Halloween approaches, hundreds of deceased Takoma Park residents have risen from their graves as zombies to...

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The Takoma Torch is local satire not intended for readers without a sense of humor. If you want to send samples of your work, or would like to advertise on our site, send an email to takomatorch@gmail.com. If you've been offended by our articles, send complaints to dcra@dc.gov | Copyright 2020 Takoma Torch | Theme: Infinity News by Themeinwp.