TPSS Co-Op Membership Now Includes Extra Votes in Local Election
Photo Credit - Sam Kittner TAKOMA PARK, MD - Members of the TPSS grocery co-op will be excited to learn that their 2020 membership includes a special new benefit: extra votes...
Exclamation Point Endorses Kate Stewart for Mayor
TAKOMA PARK, MD - In a shocking turn of events, the well known Exclamation Point on mayoral candidate Roger Schlegel's logo has decided to jump ship and endorse incumbent Kate...
Amazon to Ship Takoma Park Orders in Etsy Boxes, Allowing Residents to Secretly Shop on Prime Day
TAKOMA PARK, MD - Residents can breathe a huge sigh of relief knowing Jeff Bezos has just announced that all Amazon Prime Day orders shipped to Takoma Park will be...
The Official 2020 Takoma Torch Candidate Questionnaire
Since every single relevant and irrelevant group in Takoma Park feels the need to bombard candidates running for local elections with lengthy lists of questions, we thought...why not us, too?...
Report: City Construction Projects Way Over Budget Due to Paying All These Corporate Shills
TAKOMA PARK, MD - A recent audit conducted by a local freelancer determined that Takoma Park could save millions on municipal projects if wasteful payments weren't being made to all...
Flower Avenue Road Construction Finally Complete, Ready To Be Torn Up Again
TAKOMA PARK, MD - As more than a decade of nonstop road construction on Flower Avenue has finally come to an end, residents are eagerly anticipating the commencement of a...
Takoma Park Residents Demand Financial Bailout For Buying Homes That Unfairly Tripled in Value
TAKOMA PARK, MD - After suffering through a decade of improved economic development, expanded city amenities, and increased property values, homeowners are threatening to leave Takoma Park unless they receive...
Target Unveils New Line of Fire Resistant Gender Reveal Party Supplies
After a second major wildfire was ignited in California by a gender reveal party gone wrong, Target announced a new line of fire resistant party supplies intended to allow parents...
Takoma Park Scraps Library Expansion, Plans Mosaic-Covered Parking Lot Instead
TAKOMA PARK, MD - Facing pressure over budget concerns from long-time residents, the city council decided to scrap the library expansion project and instead replace the entire site with a...
Takoma Torch Interview with Mayor Kate Stewart
Takoma Park Mayor Kate Stewart discusses her outlook for the city and her 2020 re-election campaign, while also revealing some shocking personal secrets in this exclusive one-on-one interview with the...
Public School System Brings Back ‘Clippy’ to Help Parents Navigate Online Classroom Portal
Faced with a disastrous roll-out of online education for the fall semester, public school systems nationwide resurrected the peppy virtual assistant “Clippy” to assist students and parents alike with their...
Trump Plans Second Convention, Claims First One Violated Law and Didn’t Count
Photo Credit - Gage Skidmore/Flickr WASHINGTON, DC - President Donald Trump announced another Republican National Convention to kick-off Monday after asserting last week's events didn't count amid allegations of breaking...