TPSS Co-Op Announces 2nd Location Inside National Harbor’s ‘Sphere,’ Expanding Operations Into Literal Liberal Bubble

NATIONAL HARBOR, MD – The Takoma Park Silver Spring Co-Op announced this week that it will open a second location inside the proposed “Sphere” at National Harbor, a smaller replica of the Las Vegas Sphere, citing alignment with their values of literally living in a liberal bubble.

“This isn’t a move,” clarified a Co-Op board member. “It’s an expansion. Specifically into a gleaming, climate-controlled orb that perfectly represents our values and how the public already perceives us.”

The Sphere location, visible from multiple counties and several income brackets away, will offer a premium shopping experience for members who feel the Takoma Park location isn’t large enough to meet all their organic kombucha needs. Logistically, National Harbor’s wide roads and commercial infrastructure will allow 18-wheelers to make deliveries without threading through residential streets at dawn or being scolded by someone in pajama pants holding a clipboard.

Even more exciting, the waterfront location opens up shipping access. “For the first time, we’ll be able to receive bulk shipments directly by barge,” said the store manager. “And we can supplement our wholly inadequate parking plan by having our customers dock their boats for free at the National Harbor Marina slips that don’t even belong to us.”

The upscale setting will also support an even higher store pricing structure. Membership fees at the Sphere location will triple, reflecting increased rent, technology upgrades, and the cost of maintaining an even more elitist status quo. Grocery prices will also rise accordingly.

“Our prices aren’t high,” explained the board. “They’re aspirational.”

Inside the Sphere Co-Op, shoppers will experience immersive projections of rolling farms, happy animals, and rotating “natural” fragrances including patchouli, compost, and manure. Aisles will be wider and feature warmer lighting, though the co-op board insists that the essence of judgmental glares won’t be diminished.

Construction on the Sphere Co-Op is slated to begin this fall, but permit approvals are currently stalled amid fierce opposition to its proposed parallel dock loading zone, a dedicated maritime delivery lane that critics say would destroy badly needed yacht parking and change the character of the harbor.