Nation’s Boomers Shocked To Learn Leaders Can Retire

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move some are calling “treason against our generation,” Nancy Pelosi stunned the nation’s Boomers this morning by announcing she will voluntarily retire from Congress despite still technically being alive.

Across the Capitol, veteran lawmakers clutched their pearls, pacemakers, and committee gavels in disbelief. “You don’t leave power,” hissed an appalled Senator Chuck Grassley while slowly fusing with his Senate chair. “You wait for power to be pried from your cold, heavily-medicated hands. That’s how the founders intended it.”

American Boomers expressed alarm that Pelosi’s decision might inspire others to consider relinquishing control rather than ruling until embalmed. “This sets a dangerous precedent,” warned 78-year-old Susan Forbes, head of her HOA since the Reagan administration. “If she can retire, next thing you know someone under 65 will be allowed to chair a subcommittee.”

Pelosi tried to calm concerns, assuring her colleagues that “retirement” still includes fundraising, influence, and materializing behind future Speakers with a soft rustling of silk scarves and the faint smell of Werther’s Originals. But the damage was done. 

“This isn’t how we do things,” grumbled Senator Mitch McConnell, slowly turning to dust but still refusing to relinquish the floor. “The only way you should leave Congress is in a flag-draped coffin or if you’re accidentally declared legally dead.”

At press time, congressional leaders immediately introduced the “Never Stop Working Act” as an emergency decree requiring members over 70 to remain in office, leadership positions, and book clubs until the sun explodes or Gen Z stops asking for healthcare – whichever comes last.