ROCKVILLE, MD – Montgomery County Executive Marc Elrich responded forcefully this week to the Trump administration’s sudden designation of the county as a “sanctuary jurisdiction,” rejecting the label on the basis that he’s prevented immigrants from coming here with his anti-development housing policies.
“This is just political theater,” said Elrich during a press conference held outside a million dollar fixer-upper for sale in Silver Spring. “Our zoning policies have guaranteed that only biotech consultants, lawyers, and retired Boomers who bought their homes in the 80’s can stay. You can’t seek sanctuary if you can’t find an affordable house to live in.”
The designation by President Trump could result in the loss of millions in federal funding for Montgomery County, home to tens of thousands of federal employees. If funding is withheld, the massive loss of revenue would force Elrich to do what he hates most: grow a private sector economy.
“It’s unfair,” said Elrich, standing in front of a stack of unreviewed ADU (Accessory Dwelling Unit) permit applications. “We’ve worked tirelessly to keep housing proposals tied up in endless community feedback sessions, zoning rewrites, and architectural design board hearings. The idea that immigrants are finding ‘sanctuary’ here is laughable. They can’t even sleep in their cars with our high cost of parking!”
County officials pointed to a recent housing study showing that the median rent in Montgomery County now surpasses the GDP of several small countries and at least one Canadian province.
“Our housing policy is the best border security you can imagine,” said a spokesperson for the Department of Housing and Community Affairs (DHCA). “We’ve built an economic moat of storm water management reviews, historic district restrictions, and a 70-slide PowerPoint on how duplexes are killing your grandmother.”
Despite Elrich’s spirited defense, the Trump administration remained unconvinced. In a statement released Friday, Trump warned if Montgomery County doesn’t immediately start rounding up illegal immigrants, they’ll be forced to house white South African Farmers in the Ag Reserve.
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