WASHINGTON, DC – As Donald Trump and Elon Musk ramp up their plan to gut the federal workforce, Musk has unveiled a compromise: civil servants can keep their jobs if they subscribe to “Federal Blue,” a new $8-a-month premium service that grants them access to basic employment benefits.
“It’s simple,” Musk explained in a late-night post on X, formerly Twitter, formerly a functioning company with a viable product. “If you love your cushy government job so much, just pay the subscription fee! We need to pay the bills somehow, and the federal government cannot rely entirely on collecting taxes.”
Musk, now serving as Trump’s Chief Efficiency Disruptor, a position he created himself, has promised to turn the 250-year-old United States government into a ‘lean startup’ by cutting waste, automating everything, and reducing services until every agency functions as poorly as Musk’s own company.
Under the plan, traditional pay grades will be replaced with subscription tiers:
- Basic ($8/month) – You keep your job, but your email will be disabled, and all office chairs will be replaced with folding stools.
- Premium ($15/month) – You get to keep your email, printer access, and one sick day per year.
- Ultra-Elite Worker+ ($99/month) – You receive actual job security, a working government-issued laptop, and access to a breakroom with snacks (provided you bring them yourself).
- Non-Subscribers will be labeled as “Deep State Bots” and inundated with poorly spelled death threats until they give up and go to work for Bluesky instead.
“We simply cannot allow millions of government workers to keep their jobs for free and expect taxpayers to just foot the bill,” Musk said, ignoring the fact that taxpayers already pay for those jobs and have done so ever since the founding of the republic.
Musk also announced that top government scientists, economists, and national security experts will be replaced by “citizen influencers” – random people on X who reply to every post with unsourced conspiracy theories that “actually” prove the opposite of all hard evidence.
“Credentialism is ruining America,” Musk said. “Why should we take the advice of some boring lifetime civil servant in the Department of Transportation over a guy named @PatriotDoge420 who makes a lot of good points about how Hitler kept the trains running on time? We’re leveling the playing field!”
The new Federal Blue policy takes effect April 1st – unless Trump decides to fire everyone before then. In the meantime, Musk is working on his next “efficiency” announcement: relocating the entire Department of Justice to Mars.
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