TAKOMA PARK, MD – Beloved Congressman Jamie Raskin, often hailed as a constitutional scholar and fierce defender of democracy, has taken a surprising turn by openly flaunting his newly acquired preemptive presidential pardon from Joe Biden as an excuse to turn into the city’s most unlikely outlaw, committing minor infractions that are causing a city-wide uproar.
“This isn’t the Jamie we know,” said longtime Takoma Park resident and outspoken pacifist Willow Fern. “Yesterday, I saw him park his Subaru in front of a fire hydrant, then smugly hand people copies of his pardon like he was passing out pocket constitutions.”
Raskin’s descent into rogue behavior started small but has escalated in ways that even his most ardent supporters didn’t see coming. He was first spotted jaywalking across Carroll Avenue while sipping from a single-use plastic water bottle. Witnesses say he smirked when a passerby gasped in horror. “He didn’t even recycle it,” one horrified resident whispered.
Things escalated when Raskin was then seen chopping down a historic oak tree in front of a neighbor’s house, claiming it “dangerously leaned too far right.” Takoma Park’s strict tree protection laws mandate that residents apply for a permit, hold a community meeting, and sacrifice a locally sourced kombucha to the tree council before removing any foliage. “He didn’t even plant another tree as a replacement,” said a trembling longtime neighbor. “I mean, that’s like a war crime around here.”
Raskin’s most recent stunt involved riding an electric scooter in the bike lane without a helmet—a violation so egregious that even the city’s famously lenient crossing guards refused to look the other way. “This man wrote a book about constitutional law, and now he’s running stop signs like some anarchist,” said Ward 2 resident Greg Mulberry, who insists he voted for Raskin “at least twice.”
When pressed about his increasingly brazen antics, Raskin shrugged, holding up the official pardon from President Biden. “Look, I’m just exercising my constitutional rights,” he said, while casually tossing plastic bottles into the glass recycling bin. “And besides, the President said I could.”
City officials have struggled to respond. The Takoma Park City Council held an emergency meeting to declare Raskin a “symbolic fugitive,” but several members couldn’t attend because they were stuck in traffic caused by Raskin’s illegally parked car. Meanwhile, the mayor’s office released a statement urging Raskin to reflect on Takoma Park’s values, noting that his actions have caused irreparable harm to the city’s moral fabric. “We can’t simply forgive this level of lawlessness,” the statement read. “Even if Joe Biden already did.”
Despite the backlash, Raskin remains unfazed. Reports suggest he’s planning his next move: opening a non-unionized goat yoga studio on public land. His supporters argue that such bold actions reveal the absurdity of Takoma Park’s endless regulations. “Honestly, Jamie’s a hero,” said resident Ben Davidson. “By chopping down that tree, he’s shown that even the best of us can’t keep up with the paperwork. He’s a modern day George Washington.”
For now, Congressman Raskin remains at large, his outlaw reputation growing by the day. Rumors suggest he may have been spotted in a Whole Foods checkout line, shamelessly bagging groceries in plastic bags without paying the 5 cent per bag fee. The people of Takoma Park may love him, but for now, they’re clutching their reusable tote bags a little tighter.
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