TAKOMA PARK, MD — In a shocking display of carelessness, local resident Greg Matthews, a self-described lifelong Democrat, created quite a stir this past weekend when he inconsiderately responded “Good” after being asked how he was doing, sending shockwaves of bewilderment and outrage throughout the local farmers’ market where residents are still emotionally recovering from the Trump presidency and continue to lament the state of the world.
“I just couldn’t believe it,” said neighbor and fellow farmer’s market regular, Linda Jenkins, as she slammed her reusable tote bag filled with organic vegetables and tissues to the ground. “We’re all out here exchanging sympathetic glances, bonding over our collective despair, and then Greg comes along with his ‘good.’ I mean, who says that? Is he even aware of the Supreme Court right now?”
The incident reportedly occurred at the bread stand, where Greg, standing between loaves of gluten-free sourdough and a particularly enticing rye, was greeted with the usual, “Hey Greg, how are you?” Instead of offering the standard range of acceptable responses like “surviving,” “getting by,” or the popular “as well as can be expected given the state of the nation,” Greg casually replied with an unqualified “Good.”
Local activist and professional pearl-clutcher, Sharon Miller, was horrified by what she called “a dangerous display of unfiltered optimism.” “In this community, we wear our existential dread like a badge of honor,” Miller explained. “To say you’re doing well in times like these is not just tone-deaf; it’s practically treason. We need solidarity in our misery, not some Pollyanna spreading unwarranted hope.”
Sources report that the mood at the market shifted immediately after Greg’s faux pas. The soft hum of NPR’s *All Things Considered* playing in the background seemed to pause, and several dogs on hemp leashes began to whimper. Passersby quickly distanced themselves, some mumbling under their breath about privilege and emotional blindness.
By the time Greg realized his social blunder, it was too late. The Takoma Park Listserv lit up within minutes, with subject lines like “Tone-Deaf Neighbor Spotted at Farmer’s Market” and “Urgent: Problematic Optimism on Display in Our Community.” The incident has already inspired the creation of two new community coalitions: Concerned Citizens for Correct Emotional Responses and Takoma Park Alliance for General Malaise.
“I’m usually pretty good at reading the room,” Greg confessed in an apology posted to the Listserv later that afternoon. “But I just started a new meditation practice and, for a brief moment, I forgot about the crippling weight of the political landscape. I realize now that this was inappropriate and I promise to do better.”
Meanwhile, the Takoma Park City Council has called an emergency meeting to draft a resolution formally condemning Greg’s reckless optimism, with several members suggesting mandatory emotional response training for all residents. A petition demanding Greg take a six-week course on “The Appropriate Emotional Tone for Public Spaces During the Ongoing National Crisis” has already gathered over 300 signatures.
At press time, Greg was last seen nervously avoiding eye contact at the vegan cheese stand, practicing more socially acceptable responses like “Eh, hanging in there,” and “Well, you know how it is,” in preparation for his next encounter.
