CHICAGO, IL – In a bold new effort to address the crippling snack-related inequalities in America, Vice President Kamala Harris has announced her newest initiative: a 25-cent down payment assistance program for first-time buyers of Doritos.
Inspired by her landmark policy aimed at helping first-time home buyers, Harris is now turning her focus to the real heart of the American dream — owning a family-size bag of nacho cheese-flavored corn chips.
“For too long, access to premium chips has been out of reach for far too many Americans. Today, we’re changing that,” said Harris, pointing at a chart laying out the details of her snack equity plan covered in orange-stained fingerprints. “With this assistance, every citizen will have a fighting chance to own their very own party-size bag of Doritos.”
The program, she explained, would help qualifying Americans who meet income requirements, have limited access to premium snacks, or who have never previously owned a bag larger than 8 ounces. “We’re not just giving people chips,” Harris stated. “We’re giving them a shot at crunchy, cheesy prosperity. Imagine opening your pantry and seeing that beautiful orange-and-red packaging smiling back at you.”
Naturally, reactions were swift across the political spectrum. Many in the snack advocacy community hailed the program as long overdue. “This is exactly the kind of bold policy initiative we need,” said Megyn Sanders, spokesperson for Democratic Socialist Snackers of America (DSSA). “No one should be forced to settle for the crumbs at the bottom of the bargain bin.”
But not everyone was on board. GOP Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance wasted no time in issuing a pointed counterproposal. “While Kamala Harris is busy spending taxpayer dollars on Doritos, I’m introducing a tax break for anyone purchasing Diet Mountain Dew,” said Vance during a live appearance on Fox News from a gas station in his home state of Ohio. “Besides, nobody wants to deal with a bunch of Dorito crumbs between our couch cushions. Am I right?”
It remains to be seen if dividing the major parties by junk food preferences will resonate with voters. Meanwhile, the Harris-Walz campaign is already gearing up for the next phase of its snack strategy, proposing to cut the red tape at local government levels to help streamline the construction of three million new 7-11 convenience stores.
